Finding Myself
by roughridinkas
Summary: Steph realizes she's not being true to herself. So she decides to do something about that. Will eventually be a Babe HEA. Each chapter is based around a song. Rating M for now just to be safe.
1. Let me be myself

~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Not making anything from this just letting my mind run free. Enjoy and let me know what you think. :)~

During our lives, we have a moment of complete and utter clarity. Where things just seem to all of a sudden appear to us and show us where we went wrong. Today, I had this happen.

I heard a song playing on the radio today while I was in the mall that stopped me in my tracks. I didn't know what exactly in the song that called to me but something did. It made me think of all the things that I used to love and do while I was away from the Burg in college.

Everyone who knows me now, doesn't know the person I was then. Those who I call friends now would be shocked if they knew me then. I was a completely different person then.

Remembering how life was then made me focus on the common factor in thinking of back then. How I WAS! I'm not that way anymore.

What am I now? That's the question plaguing my mind as I drove myself back to my apartment. I don't remember the drive to my apartment for I was too wrapped in old memories. The joy I had felt during those few years. Where did I go wrong? Walking up to my door I was replaying one of my favorite memories.

_It was pouring rain outside in the middle of August. The summer had been a brutal one. This was the first rain in weeks and we needed it badly. I was in my dorm room studying for a test coming up at the end of the week. _

_My best friend J.J. opened my door and said "Baby girl come with me now please. I need your help with something." _

_The look in his eyes told me that it was definitely something I didn't want to miss. He had a look the same as a small child on Christmas morning. _ _So I got up and followed him. He grabbed my hand and started to run down the hallway and right out the doors with me laughing at his child like joy. _

_I kept asking him what we were doing but he wouldn't answer just kept on pulling me. We ran across campus to the practice football fields. I thought J.J. had completely lost it. Here we were running to an outdoor field in the pouring rain. He finally stopped and just looked up in the sky, arms stretched out wide and started twirling. I couldn't moved. I was mesmerized by his pure joy of just being in the open rain._

_He stopped and looked at me with the biggest smile I had ever seen on him. He said to me "Come baby girl. Enjoy natures way of balancing everything. Of cleansing our lives and the lives around us. Share my enjoyment of the simple things with me. Let me see the real you as you forget yourself within your studies. Cleanse those harsh habits for the time being and enjoy the rain. Such a simple joy that every child loved and every adult forgot."_

_I couldn't help but to do just what he asked of me. We ran in the rain together around the field. Enjoying the clean free feel of the rain coming down on us. Slipping and sliding across the field. Just as we would have done if we were ten years younger._

That memory brought forth many more enjoyable memories I had spent with J.J. Along with those memories brought me the feeling of regret. I had allowed myself to change and forget the simple pleasures of life. Regret for the wonderful friendship I had let die.

I started to wonder what ever happened to J.J.

When I married the Dick, J.J. joined the Navy. Said he needed to sail the world and make something of himself. When he shipped off to boot camp he promised to write to me so I could write him back. However, I never heard from him again. I don't know if he did write and I just didn't get it or if he just didn't have time or want to write to me now that I was married.

I tried to go back the following semester but just couldn't do it. Without J.J. there I couldn't find the joy in it that I had. Not to mention my mothers constant nagging of me that now that I was a married woman I needed to stay at home and take care of my home and husband. I caved into the pressure. I couldn't hold my own against everything. I didn't have my best friend there anymore to stand at my side.

All thru college I had a great love for music. Since the time that I was a small child my mom pushed me into music in some form. Whether it was playing instruments or singing in the choir, I had to partake in it. I was ok with this. As I said I had a huge love for music. When I left college, I left music and my friends with it.

Entering my apartment I decided I needed to find that song again and listen closer to it. Something is trying to send me a message I can feel it. What or who I don't know but something is there. I sat down at my computer and pulled up google. I knew by the sound of it that it was a 3 doors down song. After searching thru their songs I found the song. I pulled up my Itunes player and set to play it on repeat so I could listen to it. Then I pulled up a copy of the lyrics off the internet so I could read along with the song.

_I guess I just got lost being someone else_

_I tried to kill the pain, nothing ever helped_

_I left myself behind somewhere along the way_

_Hoping to come back around to find myself someday_

_Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you_

_To say that it's okay_

_But tell me please, would you one time just let me be myself ?_

_So I can shine with my own light, let me be myself_

_Would you let me be myself?_

_I'll never find my heart behind someone else_

_I'll never see the light of day living in this cell_

_It's time to make my way into the world I knew_

_And then take back all of these times that I gave into you_

_But lately I'm so tired of waiting for you_

_To say that it's okay_

_Tell me please, would you one time let me be myself?_

_So I can shine with my own light, let me be myself_

_For a while, if you don't mind, let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light, let me be myself!_

_That's all I've ever wanted from this world_

_Is to let me be me_

_Please would you one time let me be myself?_

_So I can shine with my own light, let me be myself_

_Please would you one time, let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light, let me be myself_

_For a while, if you don't mind, let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light, let me be myself!_

_Would you one time, ooh, let me be myself and let me be me?_

_(Let me be myself : 3 Doors down)_

Upon listening and reading the lyrics I understood now why it brought back memories from college. The person I used to be and enjoyed being. The true me. The one that no one now days know. I miss her. I miss me! I miss my friends who enjoyed being with me for me. Not because they needed something or because they wanted a good laugh.

I decided I needed to find me again. The song made me think of my mother and my relationship with the people I thought were my friends. They don't know me. They don't want to know me. All they know is that I can take punishment like no other.

I'm like a cat with 9 million lives instead of just 9. The laughing, the betting, the constant nagging for me to marry and have children needed to stop. I needed to get out of here and find me again.

Knowing this I called a number that I had not called in almost ten years. I called the one person I knew who could tell me of my old friend. The one who always showed me how to be myself and told me to never forget who she was. I called J.J.'s dad hoping and praying he was still around and at the same number.

"Hello Martin residence, this is Miguel" said an older man.

"Mr. Martin, I don't know if you remember me but I'm Stephanie Plum. I was a good friend of J.J's during college. Do you have a minute?"

"Steph? Is that really you baby girl? Of course I remember you. How are you?

" I laughed and replied "I'm good papa, I've missed you. I'm so sorry it has taken me all these years to call you. How have you been? How's the family?"

"Baby girl don't be sorry. You are calling now that's all that matters. Things are going well for us. The kids are all grown up and some of kids of their own. We're still waiting on that silly boy of ours to get out of the navy and come to us. He was home for a very short visit a couple months ago but its just not the same as having him home for good. He's still in the service traveling all over the world. He asks me if I've talked to you every time he comes home though. Even though its been so many years."

My breathe caught in my throat and tears sprang to my eyes. I didn't know what to say. I missed him so much and I couldn't believe how i could have been such a horrible friend to him.

Papa must have heard me because he said " baby girl don't you be sad now you hear me? Joshua loved you very much you were his best friend. He told me he never tried to contact you because he didn't want to cause any trouble between you and your husband. He wanted you to be happy and knew that if he did contact you that there was a high chance your husband would become jealous over your friendship since he was a male. How has married life treated you baby girl?"

"Papa I was divorced within 6 months of getting married. Dickie for whatever reason wasn't happy with me. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried to do everything my mother told me to do. I even dropped out of school so I could make a home and keep it for him. But it wasn't enough I guess. It seems I can't do anything right. I caught him cheating on me with another woman on our dining room table." I was on the verge of crying again and I think papa heard me.

"Baby girl you listen to me on this. You are a wonderful woman. Any man who could do something so cruel to a wonderful woman like you doesn't deserve you. Not for even a second. Which brings me to another question. You don't sound like the baby girl I remember. Has life not been kind to you? What has gotten you so down? Your not as happy and cheerful as you were."

"I guess you could say I lost myself papa. I tried to be someone else. And I left myself behind. That was kind of the reason I called you out of the blue like I did. I was wondering if you had a way I could get a hold of J.J. He always was able to point me in the right direction to find who I was. And I need that help again papa. I can't go on any longer being the way that I am."

He gave me a number where I could reach J.J. providing he was within the states and not gone over seas. Then he asked me one question that I was ashamed to answer.

"Are you still playing your beautiful music baby girl?"

I didn't want to tell him that I gave that up as well but I could never lie to him.

"No papa I gave that up when I married because my mother told me it was silly nonsense that I didn't need anymore now that I had a husband."

"Baby girl! Music is part of who you are. You need it like a fish needs water. It's no wonder you are lost child. Find your music again baby girl. Pick up a guitar and play. I know you have a song playing in that wonderful mind of yours. Play it. Let others hear you. It will help you find your way and for those who matter most to find their way to you."

With that he told me to scoot and find my music. My soul. I told him I would and that I would make sure to call him again sometime soon. After I hung up the phone I decided I needed to find myself a used guitar again and do just want papa told me. He had never told me anything wrong, just like his son, he had always been able to set me straight and find my direction. So that's what I did I went to a pawn shop and bought myself a used guitar.


	2. The story

~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Remember its always nice to hear feed back. :)~

I needed a plan. That was the first step to finding me again. I decided a good nights sleep before making this plan would be the best way to go. So I went to bed in hopes that morning will bring with it a ray of sunshine to lead me in the right direction.

I woke up the next morning to sun shining thru my windows and my finger tips feeling like someone took sandpaper to them. I had forgotten how brutal guitar strings can be when you haven't played in forever.

After I had gotten home with my new guitar, I spent some time tuning it and then remembering how to play. Its just like riding a bike. Once you learn you never really forget. I had a blast! It was the first time in a very, very long time that I was truly happy. I made a promise to myself while going thru all the songs I used to love to play that I would never again give up playing for anyone.

After taking care of natures call I was in need of caffeine in order to pull off this whole planning thing. I've never been one for planning anything. I've always been more of a fly by the seat of my pants type of gal.

Once the coffee was brewing I searched for a pen and some paper. If I was going to make a plan I better right it down otherwise I might forget something along the way.

Armed with coffee, pen and paper I sat at my table and started to write out some questions I thought would help me make my plan of attack.

Do I like my job? Yes

What do I need to do to get better at my job? Self defense classes, use of my gun, and exercise... eww!

Do I want to stay here? Yes and no! Yes because I like it here for the most part. There are some people I don't want to leave. No because I will forever be harped on by those who just want to either change me or laugh at everything I do.

Do I have money if I decide to move? Nope sure don't.

Should I tell anyone about my plan? Yes, Ranger. He deserves to know and might have some helpful tips.

With those few questions out of the way I started to make up my to do list for today. First I need to try and get a hold of JJ. Then I would head to the office and see if there were any skips for me today. If there were none then I'll head up to one of my old favorite spots with my guitar and play for a bit.

In Point Pleasant there's cliff that sits off the ocean a little bit. I used to love to go up there and just play for hours. It was always so relaxing. To sit up there, playing my music while the ocean waves lightly crashed against the rocks below me, was my version of heaven. I have only ever taken two people up there with me, Mary Lou and JJ. I didn't want anyone else to know because then I wouldn't be able to just disappear for awhile. They would be able to find me if they knew.

With a rough idea of what my day will be like I decided it was time to see if JJ was around.

The phone rang twice and then was picked up.

"Martin here."

I was in a slight state of shock over hearing his voice after all these years that I had a moment where I forgot how to speak. I was broken from my shock when he said "Hello?"

"Josh?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Its Stephanie."

Nothing. There was dead silence over the phone. I was pretty sure he must have forgotten the sound of my voice on the phone so I tried again.

"Stephanie Plum."

Still silence. Well damn! I recognized his voice right away. How could he forget mine?

"You don't remember me do you?" I tentatively asked.

The answer I get in return, he starts laughing. Well crap I thought. Even he's laughing at me. I was starting to get pissed when he stopped laughing and said "You really thought I could forget your sweet voice? I had you fooled though didn't I? Thinking I had no clue who you were. Man its been so long Steph. How the hell are you? Where are you? When are you going to come visit me? You better be coming to visit me sometime soon! I know you talked to Poppa in order to get my number."

I started laughing. Just like he always was. Get him excited and he talks a mile a minute. Throwing question after question at you.

Once I got myself under control I managed to answer his questions. We ended up chatting on the phone for an hour and a half before he had to get to work.

During our conversation I skimmed over everything that has happened since we split ways. Everything from the joke of a marriage to Dickie to what I've been thinking about over the last 24 hours. He told me about how his time in the Navy is going. That he's still single and that he's thinking its time for a change of pace. Said he's getting to old for the b.s and it was time for the "nubs" to take over. I figured "nubs" must have meant the new young recruits.

He said if I was serious about getting away from Trenton for awhile the I better be coming to see him. That he would teach me everything I told him I wanted to learn to be better at my job and the only payment he would accept would be in the form of me singing and playing my guitar whenever he asked for it. I said I would think about it and that it was a very tempting offer.

After our phone call I felt... happy. Hmm I think I'll take this as a sign that I'm doing the right thing. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Its a good feeling and I had forgotten what it was like. With that thought it was time for me to get ready to head to the office and see about those skips. Hopefully there won't be any today. I know I need the money but the call of the ocean has a stronger pull.

As I turned to head towards the shower I noticed my guitar leaning against the wall where I left it lastnight. Well I'll be! There is that ray of sunshine I had hoped for lastnight streaming thru the window shining directly on the guitar. Yep, something is definitely going in the right direction!

Before leaving my apartment, I grabbed my guitar, some sheet music I printed off lastnight, and my Ipod. While browsing for songs I wanted to learn to play I came across one song that struck me just as hard as the one yesterday in the mall did. I knew instantly I had to learn it. So I made sure I had the guitar tablature for it as well as the song on my Ipod. I made sure to download the acoustic version though otherwise it would sound funny playing an electric guitar version on an acoustic guitar. Its do-able but still sounds funny.

When I walked into the office Connie looked up from the magazine she was reading.

"Morning Steph."

"Hey Connie, got anything for me today?"

"Sorry Steph I don't right now. Something might come in later though."

"Alright, I'm heading down to Point Pleasant today. Call me if you get anything in."

I wave bye to Connie on my way out the door. I jump in my current vehicle, a midnight blue 2000 Dodge Dakota four door. It's in pretty good condition, for now anyways. God knows I'm hard on vehicles but its not like its my fault, most of the time. I bought it from one of the guys down at the TPD. I got a good deal on it. He wanted to get a new pickup but his wife said not until it was sold. And that my friends is how I became the proud owner of it!

I made pretty good time getting down to my spot. The traffic was minimal considering it's mid-morning on a weekday.

Parking the pickup, I jump out and grab all my stuff to bring with me. I left my purse in the vehicle but grabbed my cell phone and can you believe it my gun as well. I figured that since one of the things I had listed was to be better with my gun, that means I better start bringing it with me. I strapped my holster the Ranger had given me a few months back onto my belt with the gun inside it. Grabbed my guitar case, music and ipod and started the short hike up the trail that leads to the spot on the cliff.

Once I got to the cliff I set down my case and just looked around. It's still just as beautiful here as I remember. The sun shining bright in the sky, waves lightly crashing against the rocks below me, seagulls singing their own songs up in the air. There's just a slight breeze today. Just enough to make it so you don't over heat under the sun. I took a deep breath and released it slowly. Ahhhh the fresh smell of the ocean! Nothing better in the world to me.

I sit down next to my case and open it up. Pulling it out I set if off to the side. I put my gun in the guitar case that way its not in direct sight but easy to get to if I should need it. I grab the tabs I printed off and started to read over them. Making the finger changes on the neck of the guitar while I got over the tabs. Just to get a feel for it.

I mess around with it for about an hour before I happen to glance at my watch and notice its just after 11 am. I wonder if Ranger is busy for lunch today. I need to talk to him. Maybe I can get him to come out here. I would love to share this place with him. With that decided I set the guitar down and grabbed my phone.

"Yo"

"Yo yourself Batman"

"Babe"

"You busy Ranger?"

"Whatcha need?"

"Well... there's some things I wanted to talk to you about but I'm not in Trenton right now."

"Where are you?"

"What? The mighty Ranger, who places a million trackers on me doesn't know where I'm at? I'm shocked Ranger! Are you slipping in your old age?" I laughed out. I couldn't help it. I'm in a good mood and have to pick on him a little bit.

"Babe." I hear the amusement in his voice. Its amazing what you can get from just one word from him.

And then there was dial tone. Well damn him! One of these days I will hang up on him first. Wait that might not be a good idea. I remember how cranky he can get when I've done that before. Hmm might have to think on this later.

I know he'll show up since I pretty much challenged him with the comment about him not knowing where I was at. It's like he can never pass up the opportunity when I challenge him. I figure he'll probably be here in about a half hour to 45 mins. It takes almost an hour for the normal driver to get here. However, Batman tends to have a led foot sometimes. So I say 45 mins tops.

With that in mind, I figure I'll continue practicing this new song that I've fallen in love with. The guitar music to it just talks to me. Begging me to follow it. The lyrics make me think about my life and the point in which I'm standing now. The lead singer may be a guy but its sung in a high enough note that I can manage to match with by dropping down a little bit.

Before I was just practicing it with the music playing on my ipod. I've got it down enough that I think its time to do it by myself. This is how I would learn new songs. Practice with the actual song playing in the background and then when I felt I had it down I would practice it without the music.

_I've been thinking of everything_

_I used to want to be_

_I've been thinking of everything_

_Of me, of you and me_

_This is the story of my life_

_(These are the lies I have created)_

_This is the story of my life_

_(These are the lies I have created)_

_I'm in the middle of nothing_

_And its where I want to be_

_I'm at the bottom of everything_

_And I finally start to leave_

_This is the story of my life_

_(These are the lies I have created)_

_This is the story of my life_

_(these are the lies I have created)_

_(i've created...)_

_And I swear to god_

_I'll find myself _

_In the end_

_(The story by 30 Seconds to Mars, acoustic version)_


	3. From Yesterday

~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. :)~

I played thru the song a couple of times before I felt it. The tingle that ran up the back of my neck telling me Ranger was near. I felt it right as I finished the song so I decided to go ahead and play it the whole way thru so he could hear.

When I finished it I just sat there staring out at the ocean. The song touched something so emotional for me and I had a few tears running down my face.

I heard a whispered "Babe" from behind me. If I didn't know better it sounded as if had an amazed tone to it. So I whispered his name back to him. Letting the ocean breeze carry it backwards.

Ranger came up and sat down next to me. At first he was looking out at the ocean then he turned to me and raised that damn eyebrow he does all the time. I let loose a small laugh. The only reason it irritates me when he does that is because I can't do it back. I always look like a fool when I try.

When I didn't say anything he did.

"I didn't know you could play. Why don't you play more often?"

"I used to play all the time. I haven't played in years. Last night was the first time I have since I married Dickie. I heard a song yesterday at the mall that got me to thinking about all the things I have given up of myself over the years. It me realize how much I used to love to play. So I went down to the pawn shop last night and bought this guitar. Its not great but it sounds decent enough for what I need or want right now."

We sat in silence for a few minutes just enjoying the sounds around us. Then Ranger broke the silence. "That song was amazing Babe. The pure emotions you put into it. It was almost as if I could feel your pain while you were singing it. When I started coming up the trail I could barely hear you, but then when I got up here and you started over so I could hear it all. Wow, just..."

I giggled a little bit at the fact that it seems I rendered Batman speechless. I was getting a kick out of this fact and told him so.

A small smile graced his lips as he looked back out at the ocean and said "you do it quite often actually. I just don't let anyone know this fact. It would be like giving information to the enemy."

Ranger reached behind him and grabbed a bag of food, handing it to me with the corner of his lips lifted up in his almost smile. I gave him a huge smile in return. The man knew me so well!

In the bag held two subs from Pino's. Yep, this man is a god!

Ranger laughed and shook his head, "Babe." Damn I must have said it out loud. I shrugged my shoulders. Oh well. Then dug into my sandwich.

After we finished eating and had put all our trash back in the bag Ranger asked me what I wanted to talk to him about. I figured I might as well just jump in and lay it all down on the line to him. I told him about how I realized I didn't like the person I am now. That I miss who I was back in college and wanted to find her again.

I told him about how I needed to change some things in order to be able to find who I am. How I like my job but know it would like it a lot more if I was better at it. Meaning I needed to learn more about it. When I told him about learning self defense and working with my gun more he just raised his eyebrow at me. Then I pointed to the guitar case where my gun sat. From where were sitting he had a clear view of it. I think that shocked him a bit because he just stared at it for a few minutes before looking back at me and nodding that he understood.

When I told him that I thought it might be best to get out of the area for awhile he didn't look to happy. The corners of his eyes tightening up and then he looked out at the ocean again.

"Ranger I'm telling you this so you know before I leave. I haven't made up my mind yet if I am going to move or not. But know that if I do, you'll be the first to know and the only one to know exactly where I'm going. If I want to truly find myself again I need to get away from the gossip hounds also known as the burg grape vine. Get away from the harping my mother lays on me about what a bad daughter I am for not getting married, settling down and having a bunch of babies. I need to get away from all of those who laugh at me constantly and bet on me."

He nods in understanding. "Your right. I know that but it doesn't mean I'm going to like it. Do you know where you might go?"

I shake my head no, "I don't know yet. I talked to an old friend of mine this morning. He lives out by San Diego. He said I was more than welcome to come stay with him and he'd help me with anything I needed. Told me my payment would be to play for him again like I used to in college."

"Are you sure about this Babe? San Diego's along ways away. How do you know you can trust this guy?"

I laughed a little, " I know I can trust him because, well you remember when I told you that when we first met I knew that I could trust you completely?"

He nods.

"When I first met JJ our freshmen year in orientation, I felt that same feeling with him. That I could put my complete trust in him and he would never hurt me."

"Whats his name?"

I laughed, "Why so you can do a full background check on him? You could just asked me, I could tell you everything about him except for his military record."

Ranger looked shocked at the military comment. "He's in the military?"

I nod, "Navy Seal."

He looks out to the ocean again, "whats his last name?"

"Martin."

He nods again, "Martin, Joshua James right?"

I smile at him, "why am I not surprised you would know him?"

He shrugs, "I've been on a few missions with his team."

Ranger reaches over to me and pulls me onto his lap. My back to his front so that we both can look out at the ocean together and wraps his arms around my waist hugging me close to him. He moves my hair off my left shoulder draping it over my right , resting his head on the side of my neck. I feel him inhale deeply and releasing it slowly. His hot breath on my neck sends a pleasant shiver up my spine. I've always loved being in his arms.

I barely hear him whisper against my neck but it was just loud enough so I could make out the words.

"I'm going to miss you so much while your gone." Then I feel a gentle kiss to my neck.

I nod my head slightly and tell him I'll miss him too.

"I'm not used to this feeling. Like I'm losing you. I know I disappear for small amounts at a time but that always feels like I'm just going to work. I know you'll still be there when I come back. This though, the idea of you moving across the country, feels like your leaving me. That I'm losing you. I don't want to lose you Steph."

I turned around and straddled his lap so I could face him. Its weird hearing emotion coming from him. He's normally so guarded with his emotions. I cup his face in my hands and lean in placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Ranger your not losing me. I'm not really leaving you. Think of it as more I'm just temporarily relocating. I promise I'll keep in touch with you. I'll call you and let you know how I'm doing, where I'm at. Stuff like that."

He cups my face while I'm still holding his and brings me in for another kiss. This one however, is full of promise. Promises of safety, promises of keeping in touch, promises of coming back one day soon. Its also full of love. Love that we share for each other. Love that of started from friendship and building to more. Love of that of a lover you share nights of pure passion with.

I received the message he was trying to tell me in the kiss. That he loved me but he wasn't able to offer more than what we have now. It made me want to cry but if I was truthful with myself I completely understood. We both had things to deal with first. If fate meant for us to be together as I suspect it does, one day we will be. Nothing good ever comes from something that is easily achieved.

As we came up for a breath our foreheads rested against each other. I held his eyes comforted in the knowledge for once that he could read me thru my eyes so easily. His warm chocolate eyes were showing me what he was feeling for once. I saw the pride he had in me for taking this step to finding myself again, the sadness for knowing I would be leaving for awhile, but most of all the love he held for me.

"Know I love you Steph. I love you like I've never loved another. I promise you, one day I'll be able to offer you our someday if you still want it. Until then know I do love you whole heartedly, with everything that I am and that I will always be there if you need me."

I nod my head at him and give him another quick kiss. I needed to move before I started to cry. I didn't want to cry today. So I moved off his lap and grabbed my guitar again. I looked over at him. He was looking out at the ocean again as if trying to get his emotions back under control.

"I came across a song last night that made me think of you. Well most of it makes me think of you anyways. How if you know what your looking for you see things no one else sees. Would you like to hear it?"

"I would be honored Babe."

I turn so I can face him. Sitting with my legs crossed in front of me, or as some people call it Indian style, with the guitar resting on top of my thighs, I look into his eyes and smile. I start to play a song I worked on last night.

_He's a stranger to some and a vision to none_

_He can never get enough, enough of the one_

_For a fortune, he'd quit but its hard to admit_

_How it ends and begins on his face is a map of the world_

_A map of the world, on his face is a map of the world_

_A map of the world_

_From yesterday, its coming_

_From yesterday, the fear_

_From yesterday, it calls him_

_But he doesn't wanna read the message here_

_On a mountain he sits, not of gold but of sin_

_Through the blood, he can look, see the life that he took_

_From council of one he'll decide when he's done with the innocent_

_On his face is a map of the world_

_On his face is a map of the world_

_From yesterday, its coming_

_From yesterday, the fear_

_From yesterday, it calls him_

_But he doesn't want to read the message_

_He doesn't want to read the message_

_Doesn't want to read the message here_

_(From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars : acoustic version)_


	4. The Kill

~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. :)~

I sat a stared out at the water again. Not able to look Ranger in the eyes any longer. Music is always such an emotional release. Always was at least. Seems to still be for me.

We sat there in the quiet for a few minutes just reflecting on things said, things done. Or at least that's what I was doing. I don't know about Ranger. Heck for all I know at this moment he could be cataloging his gun collection back at home.

"Babe" finally came on a gentle breeze. That one simple word. One word with a million different sayings for meanings. However, I knew what this one meant. This time it was in awe, amazement, happiness and sadness all rolled into one nice little package. It meant, 'you see me, behind what I show to the world. You see me'.

Without turning from the ocean I replied to him. "I do see you Ranger. I see the person behind the mask you hide behind. The mask that is there for the purpose to show courage and strength to those around. The fearless leader, but behind that mask is just another man in this world who is trying to make things just that much better. Just that much difference for even just one person."

"If you can see that then why do you still call me Batman? I'm not a superhero Steph."

I shrug my shoulders just slightly, "I may be able to see the man behind the mask Ranger and I know your mere mortal like everyone else in this world. But your still a superhero to me. The things you've done for everyone, the things you've seen may have left their mark upon you somewhere in some form. But you continue to stand tall and strong, doing it over and over. You don't do it for yourself. You do it for everyone else. To me that is the definition of a superhero."

Ranger gathers me in his arms and just holds me there. I relax into him and just enjoy the feelings surrounding me.

We sit quietly together for a while, just enjoying the day in each others arms. Knowing it won't last for much longer. As we hold onto each other, we're also holding onto what is happening between us. The knowledge that we both feel the same way and that nothing will change that. Not time, not distance, just nothing can stand in the way. Its a heavy load to hold onto but its ours to do so in any way we see fit. For me, I wrap my heart in it. Wrap it like a Christmas present to be set on display until the right moment for it to be given to the receiver for them to open. That receiver being Ranger and the right moment being our someday.

We sit quietly for a short period together before our time is cut short. I feel the vibration of Ranger cell phone go off behind me. I don't want it to end but I know we both of lives to live. Things to do, people to take care of. I don't pay attention to what he's saying. Its not my conversation so I have no need to hear or figure out whats going on. He'll tell me soon enough I'm sure. So I sit and plan the rest of my day while waiting for him to finish his call.

"Sorry Babe I have to go" he says on a sigh, kissing the back of my head.

I nod my understanding and stand up. I glance at my watch and notice its now a little after 3 pm. I pack up my stuff. I might as well get a move on with the rest of my day.

Ranger wraps his arms around me and asks what I have planned for the rest of the day.

"I have a few phone calls to make then I think I'll go to my parents place and tell them that I'm leaving the state for a while. That should be loads of fun. You wanna come with and watch the circus while I give them that message? I promise it should be a fun right?" I grin up to him at that.

In return I get a small shake of his head and his almost there smile. "Babe." Meaning you couldn't pay me enough to watch the freak show that is my family.

I can't blame him one bit on that. I wouldn't go if I didn't have to. But unfortunately I have to. They are my family after all.

"Its alright I understand. I'm pretty sure I know how my dad and grandma will react. Its my mom I'm a little worried about. You know how she doesn't approve of anything I do. Why would this be any different?"

We get down to the vehicles and I load my stuff up. Ranger stops me before I could get in and pushes me against my door. His body holding me against it, arms on either side of my head. Its like I'm in a cage. But this cage I don't mind. A cage made of his perfect body. Toned muscle, mocha latte skin, and wonderful exotic smell of bulgari mixed with Ranger.

He leans in for a kiss. Its gentle, just a whisper of his lips on mine. He gives me a couple more before pulling back. He tucks a free flying curl of my hair behind an ear and asks when I was thinking of leaving.

"A couple of days. I have a lot of stuff to take care of first. People to let know I'm leaving. Stuff to move out of my apartment. Things like that."

He nods, "let me help you. I'll send a couple guys over day after tomorrow to help you pack up your stuff and have them take it to a storage unit."

I hesitate at this. I don't really need the help but it would be nice. Its the independent side of me. I also know that he's just as stubborn as I am when it comes to taking care of myself. So really there is no point in fighting him on this. So I tell I agree.

"Be safe Babe. Call me if you need anything." He leans in for another kiss then is gone. Just like always, the wind. I swear the man is magic.

I headed back home to make some phone calls. The first being to JJ. I tell him that I was accepting his offer to come and stay for a while. He asked for how long and I told him I wasn't sure. He said that was fine. He'd get the spare room set up for me and take some vacation time he had built up over the last year.

Next call was to my sister. I told her I was heading out of state for a while and asked if Mary Alice could take care of Rex for me. She said it was alright and she would come over to pick him up tomorrow while the girls were in school. I asked her if she could not say anything to anyone until tomorrow. That I was going to talk to Mom , Dad, and Grandma tonight about it. We chatted for another few minutes before she had to go take care of the baby.

I checked out the time and saw it was time for me to my parents house for supper.

Pulling up in front of my parents house, Mom and Grandma were wait on the porch for me. Some times I wonder how they do it. How they always knew when I pulled up. I jumped out, grabbed my guitar case and headed up to the house.

Mom eyed the case with distaste. She never did like me playing it. Said it wasn't lady like. She could never understand why I liked it so much. That's ok though she doesn't have to understand it. Before I even got to the steps she turns around and walks in the house. No 'Hi how are you" nothing. Yep she's mad. This will be so much fun. Feel the sarcasm just flowing on that thought.

I give Grandma a quick peck on the check. "Hi Grandma."

"Hey baby granddaughter. I see you've got a guitar back in your hands. Its great your playing again." She says practically bouncing up and down with excitement.

Grandma always loved to listen to me play. Grandpa Mazur and I used to sit and play together in their living room when I was a kid. She told me once after Grandpa passed away that listening to us duel back and forth was some of her best memories. Grandpa and I used to fight all the time. He would say that the only place for a woman was in the house. Typical burg feelings towards women. I would stand up and tell him anything a boy can do I can do just as well. But if you put a guitar in our hands, it was like we became one in the same. We loved to duel back and forth on the guitars. Just another form of fighting each other I guess, but boy was it fun.

Walking into the living room where my dad was watching the news I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and told him Hi. I walked over and sat down on the couch to wait until supper was ready.

He looked over at me then did a double take at the guitar case sitting at my feet. A slow smile spread across his face. "You playing again" pointing to the guitar.

I nod.

"Good! I wondered when you would play again. Play something for me before supper please." Then he mutes the tv and gives me his full attention.

I knew exactly what song to play for him. He always loved to have me play Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress by The Hollies for him. So that's what I played. At the start of the song he knew right away which song it was. The smile on his face was one I've never seen before. It made my heart soar seeing how happy I had made him just by playing this song. About half way thru the song he started to sing along with me. It was like I was a little kid again. I missed this so much.

When we finished the song I noticed my mom was standing in the room with her hands on her hips, impatiently tapping her foot at us. "If your done screwing around Stephanie. Supper is on the table getting cold." She said curtly and walked away.

Walking into the dinning room dad wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Thank you baby girl!" He whispered into my ear while kissing the side of my head.

Supper started off just like any other dinner here in the Plum household. Dad at the head of the table, head down minding his own business while eating his food. Grandma chatting away about some guy she has a date with. Mom drinking a glass of wine staring at me with her disapproval.

I was waiting for her to start in on me. She always does. So I was just biding my time for the moment. Enjoying my food knowing that sooner or later she would speak her mind.

"Stephanie,"

Yep, knew it. Here it comes!

"Why are you playing that silly instrument again? I would have thought you had realized by now that its not lady like. Proper woman don't play guitars. You don't see Valerie playing one, or Stella Candowski's daughter playing one. It was fine while you were a child but your not one anymore. Its time you grow up and realize your place in this world as a woman!"

I give a very un-lady like snort at her 'place in this world as a woman' comment.

"You keep acting like a child Stephanie and no decent man will ever want anything to do with you. You'll be old and alone. With no one around to love you. No one to give you a home and provide for you. Is that what you really want? To be old and alone in this world? If you keep this act up that's exactly where you'll be. I'm just trying to help you. Lead you in the right direction as a parent should. You would know this if you would just stop and listen to me for once in your life. But no you can't think about anyone but yourself." With that she stands up and walks back into the kitchen. I know where she's going. She's heading right for the bottle of Jack he thinks is cleverly hidden in the kitchen.

I sit stunned. I knew she didn't approve of me. But to know now that she thought I was essentially nothing but a spoiled, self-centered brat, hurts more than I care to admit. I know mothers aren't supposed to treat their children like this. I see it in my friends and their relationships with either their parents or their own children.

I will always love my mother. She brought me into this world. However, it doesn't mean that I'm going to stand by and let her disapproval of me go any longer. If she feels so strongly that I'm not a good person then she doesn't need to have anything to do with me. I would love for her to approve of me in some form but she's made it very clear that its not going to happen.

Since she hates me playing the guitar so much. I think the best way for me to give her the message that I'm finished with her treatment of me is by playing her a song. With that settled in my mind its time for me to let everyone know I'm leaving for a while.

Mom comes back in and sits back in her seat at the table. When I didn't say anything to her in return of her little speech I saw her body relax a little. She must be thinking she won that round. Ha! Ya right Mother!

I drop my fork onto my plate when I finished my food and scooted my chair back a little bit. I look around the table at everyone here. All three of them are still eating. I clear my throat a little to get their attention.

"I came over here tonight to tell you that I'm leaving the state for a while. I need to get away from everything hear and figure out what it is I want from life."

Mom opens her mouth to berate me some more but I cut her off.

"I'm not saying anything else. About it so don't your time with asking questions I won't answer. There is one thing I have left to do before I leave here tonight. Mom since you didn't give me a chance to answer you after you so elegantly told me I was a spoil self-centered brat. I have a song I want you to listen to. If you listen to the lyrics you will hear my thoughts on everything involving you. If you don't' listen well that's on you and you'll be clueless forever. Your choice."

I walk over grab my guitar and bring it over to the table and sit down. I look up into the eyes of Grandma and see a gleam of satisfaction in there. She's been waiting for this for a long time. For me to finally put my foot down when it comes to my mom.

I start playing and look into my mom's eyes. I can tell she doesn't want to listen but she is.

_What if I wanted to break_

_Laugh it all off in your face_

_What would you do?_

_What if I fell to the floor_

_Couldn't take all this anymore_

_What would you do, do , do?_

_Come break me down_

_Bury me, Bury me_

_I am finished with you._

_What if I wanted to fight_

_Beg for the rest of my life_

_What would you do?_

_You say you wanted more_

_What are you waiting for?_

_I'm not running from you_

_Come break me down_

_Bury me, bury me_

_I am finished with you_

_Look in my eyes_

_You're killing me, killing me_

_All I wanted was you._

_I tried to be someone else_

_But nothing seemed to change_

_I know now, this is who I really am inside_

_Finally found myself_

_Fighting for a chance_

_I know now, this is who I really am_

_Come break me down_

_Bury me, bury me_

_I am finished with you_

_Look in my eyes_

_You're killing me, killing me_

_All I wanted was you._

_(The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars, acoustic version)_

~Just wanted to let you know. I'm not sure if I'll get another chapter up tomorrow. I received some news today about the death of a friend of mine. So I'm not exactly sure how this will affect my posting. Thanks for the reviews and I hope you like the story so far. Hopefully if I do take some time away it won't be too long. Once again I thank you for your time. ~ Kat.


	5. Stupid Boy

~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Remember its always nice to hear feed back. :)~

My alarm clock woke me way before I was actually ready to wake up and face the day. Hence the reason it is currently shattered all over my floor. When it went off this morning I didn't want to wake up and couldn't figure out how to shut off the annoying sound with my eyes closed. So after short time I just decided to say screw and I threw it across my room. Where it met its match, the wall.

I stayed up late lastnight thinking over how my day had gone. All in all I wasn't upset with it in anyway. I had started with a plan and so far have stuck to it. Decided that it would be best to get out of town for a while.

I had made arrangements for a place to stay while gone. Talked about it with my best friend, who also happens to be the one person I've ever truly loved. Found he supports me with this plan. Also that his feelings towards me are the same as mine for him. I give a huge sigh or relief mixed with happiness and contentment.

I told my family I was leaving for awhile and received the reactions that I had expected. Grandma and Daddy were happy. Mom not so much. But that's ok. It's her problem now not mine. I told her exactly how I felt in the simplest say I could. I sang it to her. In the process of singing it to her I also told her that if she couldn't accept me for me then she could go fuck herself. Once again not my problem any longer.

Before I left my parents out, Grandma gave me a big hug and told me she was proud of me for following my heart again. I almost started to cry at this. I love her so much. I can only hope that one day I will be as wild and free spirited as she is. Have the ability to truly enjoy life and what it brings to the table every day that I am blessed to be breathing still.

Daddy shocked me though. He walked me out to my car but before he let me get in, he pulled me into a tight hug. One like he used to do when I was a small child. He just held onto me for a long moment. When he pulled back he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me on the forehead. He told me he was so very proud of the woman I have become. That nothing will ever change that for him. He could never be disappointed in me. He told me to follow my heart and let my soul fly high, to keep playing my music because I was meant to do so with the gift I was given.

This coming from him, the quiet man who I have known all my life, made me cry. I grabbed him in the tightest hug I could give and held on. I knew in the moment I was most definitely Daddy's little girl forever. No matter how old I would be get, that title was mine and I would do everything in my power to hold onto it. I wanted to keep him proud of me.

When I finally had myself under control it was time for me to head back to my apartment. He told me to call him if I needed anything at all and he would do it. No matter what. I told him in return that if I didn't see him before I left that I would call him the night I got to JJ's house.

Just before I was about to fall asleep lastnight my cell phone rang. It was Ranger checking up on me to make sure I was alright after the time at my parents house. We talked about everything that happened at my parents and I told him about Daddy.

I was a little upset at first when Ranger told me he went ahead and purchased my plane ticket. He said it was for Saturday morning, which gave me today and tomorrow to get my stuff packed up and the rest of the people I need to talk to seen.

He asked if I would have dinner with him tonight but I pointed out with all the people I needed to talk to I probably wouldn't have enough time. I told him I would call him when I was back at my apartment this evening and if he wasn't busy I would love his company.

We chatted for a little while longer. He asked me to play the song I played to my mom earlier for him before hanging up. It seems Batman really enjoys listening to me play. So I did. After I was done I realized it was close to 2am and needed to get to sleep. I could tell he really didn't want to let me off the phone and I felt the same way. With only having a few days left I really wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. It was a bit odd to know what he was feeling because he's always been so closed off to everyone around.

I decided to just bite the bullet and end the call. I told him "I love you Carlos," and then promptly hung up on him. I knew he hated it when people hung up on him. I turned off my cell phone because I knew he would call back to chew me out about hanging up on him. I needed sleep though so it had to be done. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

After laying here in my bed for a few minutes thinking over last night I decided it was time to get up and get on with my day. I reached over to my grab my cell phone and turned it on. I had one new text message from Ranger.

"Babe! I promise you I will get even. It will be when you least expect it. Be warned! ~yours only~"

I got a rush of butterflies in my stomach and a flash of heat spread through the rest of me from reading his message. Some from the thought of his retaliation but more from how he signed the message. Yours only, he was telling me he was all mine. I let out a girly little squeal and flopped back down on my bed. I couldn't help it. Its like any girls dream come true. Having the man your in love with tell you they are yours and only yours.

I sent him a quick reply, "Bring it on Batman! ~yours only~".

With that out of the way it was time to get a move on it. I figured by the time I was ready to leave the apartment it would be after 10am. Which means Mary Lou with be home with the baby. The kids would be off to school. She'd be my first stop. She deserves to hear about it before the burg grapevine gets a hold of the news. Next would be the girls in the office and to tell Vinnie I was done. That should be fun.

After that I would have a little bit of time to get together what I need to say to Joe and how I wanted to say it. He would be the hardest of all today. We may fight back and forth a lot but I do love him. He's been such a huge part of my life. We're just better as friends. I can only hope that some where down the road we can be friends again.

I arrived at Mary Lou's house a little after 10am. Before leaving the apartment I called her to make sure she would be home and expecting me. She was waiting on the front porch for me. Just like a burg mom does.

She ushered me into the kitchen. We sat down with coffee in front of both of us.

"Alright, spill it girl! What's going on?"

I told her about talking to JJ yesterday and playing the guitar again. I told her about my time spent with Ranger up on the cliff. She was bouncing up and down in her seat with excitement. That is until I dropped the bomb on her about leaving for a while.

She looked down into her coffee for a moment then looked back up at me. A slow smile appeared across her lips. She reached over and grab my hands. "Steph, you do what you feel you need to do. You know I'll always be here for you. Just remember I'm proud of you too. You've always been meant to fly and not be chained down to this damn burg."

I laughed and let a few tears escape my eyes at her comment. I knew there was a reason she was my best friend.

We spent a little while longer catching up. I told her about everything at my parents house the night before. She was expecting the same reaction I was.

After our good byes and promises to keep in touch it was time to head off to the office to talk to the girls.

I wasn't sure exactly what kind of reaction to expect from Lula and Connie. Yes they are some what friends, but they've always thrived on the gossip that surrounds my life.

As soon as I walked in the door Lula started in on me. Asking where I was yesterday, why I wasn't around, who I was with. Her normal when she doesn't know everything about my day. I just stand there and wait her out. Knowing it won't be long before she stops to take a breather.

When she finally stopped throwing questions at me, standing there with her hands on her hips in true Lula fashion tapping her food. I held up my hand to tell her to stop for a minute. I turn and asked Connie if Vinnie was in. She just nods her head yes at me while starling at me like I did something completely off the wall and stupid.

I ignore the looks I was getting and walked over to Vinnies office door. I really don't want to go in but I need to talk to him. I knock twice and wait for him. He yells that its open. I open just enough to see him and tell him I'm taking a break for a while and that I wouldn't be in town. He starts to talk and I hold up my hand.

"If you have a problem with it go talk to Ranger. I'm sure let you know what you need to know."

He pales at my last comment and shakes his head yes. I close the door and turn around to face the girls.

Once again Lula starts in with the questions.

"Girl, what the hell was that you just said? What you mean you gonna be outta town for a while? Where you going?"

Once again I just wait her out. "Just what I said, I'm leaving for a while. I need a break from this place. I'm not telling anyone where I'm going other than Ranger. It would defeat the purpose of clearing my head because people would be able to get a hold of me and I wouldn't get the break I want. I'm not a meal ticket anymore to the gossip mongers of the world. If you really want to know where I'm going, try and get it from Ranger. I bid you good luck with that by the way. Now that I told you guys, its time I head off to go pack up my stuff. I guess I'll see ya whenever I decide to come back. Stay safe girls."

I don't give them a chance to question me any more. I'm done answering millions of questions to people who really don't show that they care. I head out the door and get in my vehicle and head back to the apartment. I have about two hours before I can meet up with Joe at his house.

I figured that I would burn a cd of me playing a song for Joe instead of just playing once for him. I wanted him to have something to keep of me. I know it's going to hurt him but he needs to understand how he's been treating me over the years. Its my hope that he'll listen to it a couple times and realize his mistakes and not make them again with someone else. I really do want him to find that special someone to share his life with. I don't want him to make the same mistakes over and lose the chance with someone else.

I pull up in front of his house just as he was getting out of his pickup.

"Hey Cupcake. I glad you came over. I've missed you."

He gives me a quick kiss on the head and we head inside the house. I just follow behind him quietly. I'm not normally this quiet but I'm trying to figure out exactly how to start this conversation with him.

He must have realized I had been quiet since I pulled up because he turned around and looked at me after he set his supper down on the table. He walks over to me and grabs my hands. "Steph whats wrong?"

I take a deep breath. "Joe can we go sit down in the living room. I need to tell you some things."

He looks at me for a minute then nods and leads me over to the couch. We both sit on opposite sides of the couch turned towards each other.

"Alright Cupcake. Whats going on?"

I take a deep breath and figure just jump Steph. Just lay it all out there for him and go from there.

"Joe let me get this all out before you interrupt please?" I ask him while pleading him with my eyes. He searches for a minute then nods his head.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself over the last couple days. I realized I'm not who I want to be. I don't do things because I want to do them but because someone else says I should do them. Well most of the time anyways. I'm completely different today then I was back in college and I miss the me from then. I was happy back then. I can't remember when the last time I was truly happy. I want that back. So I decided its time for me to grow up a bit and live for myself. Stop worrying about what other people want for me. But to do that I need to find out who I really am. My likes and dislikes."

"Joe I can't do that around here with people constantly putting me down, talking about me behind my back, betting on when I'll mess up again instead of lending a helping hand to make sure I don't mess up. I just can't do it anymore. So I decided it was time for me to move a way for a bit. To give my self a fair chance."

We sat in quiet for a while. Both lost in our thoughts.

The silence is broken by Joe whispering out, "So your leaving? What does that mean for us?"

"Joe thinking about it for a minute. Think of how often we fight and disagree on things. Think about how well you really know me? You can't really know me if I don't know myself. How can things work between us if we don't know each other Joe? I do love you. Your a great friend but that's where it ends Joe. We're great friends. We're not great partners though. Yes the sex has always been great between us but it takes more than sex to make a relationship to work. Do you see what I'm saying?"

He nods his had yes and I can see he's actually listening to me for a change. Maybe there is hope for us to keep our friendship. He looks up at me after a short while and asks what is in my hands. I had forgotten all about the cd until now.

I glanced down at it and then back up to him. I hand it to him. "Its a song I recorded for you. You remember how I used to love playing the guitar while we were growing up? I started again. I've missed playing so much."

"Can I listen to it now? Or do you want me to wait?"

I think for a minute on that and tell him its ok that he listens to it now. He walks over to his cd player and puts the cd in and hits play. He walks back over and sits next to me on the couch.

As the song plays for him I watch as he drops his head in defeat. I think he gets the message I'm sending him.

Once the song was done, I lean over and give a gentle kiss to his cheek. I whisper to him, "Find happiness with someone Joe. Don't hold them back like you tried with me. I love you Joe, be safe."

I stand and head for the door to leave and I stop when I hear his voice. Its whisper soft and you can hear the heartbreaking sadness and the held back tears in it.

"I am so sorry Stephanie. I do love you. I'll miss you. Please be careful."

I let a few tears fall and head out the door. Time to continue forward.

_Well she was precious like a flower  
>She grew wild, wild but innocent<br>A perfect prayer in a desperate hour  
>She was everything beautiful and different<br>Stupid boy...you can't fence that in  
>Stupid boy...it's like holdin' back the wind<em>

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands_  
><em>And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans<em>  
><em>She never even knew she had a choice<em>  
><em>And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't<em>  
><em>Stupid boy<em>  
><em>Stupid boy<em>

_So what made you think you could take a life_  
><em>And just push it, push it around<em>  
><em>I guess to build yourself up so high<em>  
><em>You had to take her and break her down<em>  
><em>Oh...<em>

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands_  
><em>And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans<em>  
><em>She never even knew she had a choice<em>  
><em>And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't<em>  
><em>You stupid boy<em>

_Oh you always had to be right_  
><em>And now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive<em>

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands_  
><em>And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans<em>  
><em>She never even knew she had a choice<em>  
><em>And that's what happens when the only voice She Hears is telling her she can't<em>  
><em>You stupid boy<em>  
><em>Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy<em>

_It took a while for her to figure out she could run but when she did she was long gone, Long gone_

_Oh she's gone_  
><em>She's long gone<em>  
><em>Yeah she is<em>  
><em>Yeah, ohhh<em>

_Oh, nobody's ever gonna love me like she Loved me_  
><em>And she loved me, she loved me<em>  
><em>God please just let her know I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby<em>  
><em>Yeah, im down on my knees<em>  
><em>She's never comin' back to meeeeeee<em>

_Stupid Boy by Keith Urban_


	6. Friends Forever

~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Remember its always nice to hear feed back. :)~

I sit back in my seat on the plane and toss in my ear buds to listen to some music. I toss a song on repeat that I heard back in college. It rang true to feelings then and still do now. The first time I heard it was at the graduation ceremony for Mary Lou's little sister.

As I close my eyes and listen to the music play while waiting for the plane to take off, I replay the last 36 hours.

After I left Joe's house I rushed home. Struggling to hold the tears at bay. I didn't want to break down until I was in the comfort and safety of my own home. I knew I would do just that as soon as I was inside my apartment. It was that I was upset over the lost relationship as it was the end of a chapter in my life that had me in tears. The saying goodbye to parts of your life is never an easy task.

I barely made it in the doorway before I lost control. I slide down the wall next to my door in tears, closing the door with my foot. I sat there crying and lost track of time.

At some point during my breakdown Ranger had walked in and found me. He picked me up and carried me over to the couch. Cradling me in his strong protective grasp. Just holding me and allowing me to let go of whatever it was that was causing such pain.

When I had finally cried myself out, I released the death grip I had on him a little. He was rubbing soothing circles on my back trying to help me relax a little bit more.

After a few moments of just holding onto each other he broke the silence by asking if I was alright.

I nodded my head and inhaled a deep breath against his neck. Taking some of the strength he was giving to me.

"Just closing a chapter in my life is all. I'm ok but I will be better. It just will take a little while. It's always hard to move on from things. Specially relationships that have been around for many years."

I give a quick kiss to his neck and sit up a little bit so I can look at him instead of talking into his neck.

He cups my face with both hands and leans in for a gentle kiss. When he pulls back a little looking into my eyes he tells me, "you know you don't have to do this Babe. If your not sure I don't want you to do anything you don't want to."

I can see a little bit of worry crease the corner of his eyes. He's worried that I might be changing my mind about moving on from Joe. I lean in and give him a reassuring kiss to his lips.

"I want to move on from this point forward Ranger. I need to move on. Close this chapter completely. Its not fair to Joe, or you for that matter. Hell its really not fair to myself if I don't move forward. Not when I'm completely in love with someone who is not Joe. When I told you that I love you it came from the bottom of my heart Ranger. I realized that these last few years everyone has been telling me how I should feel. They never cared for what I was feeling. That's not fair to me. From now on out I'm only listening to what I do feel. What I feel right now is the safety and unconditional love coming from the man whose arms have been holding me protectively while I cry out my pain and loss."

He wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace and gave me a kiss that I will never forget. It was fierce and passionate but yet gentle and loving all rolled into one. The kiss continues until we're both in need of air.

We pull apart and rest our foreheads against each other. Dragging in large gasps of breath trying to refill our lungs that were severely deprived of oxygen.

Ranger opens his mouth and closes it. Trying to regain some composure. Something that I've done a million times when around him. Then he says "food. I brought food over for supper. We better eat before we do something we might both regret in the morning."

He sets me on my feet and I look at him. Wondering how he could think I would regret doing anything more with him.

"Ranger I would never regret it in anyway if things went further tonight. I hope you would know that."

"I know Babe and I wouldn't either honestly. However, it would do nothing but make tomorrow that much harder to deal with for both of us. Knowing you leave the following morning."

He tugs on my hand and tells me its time to eat before the beast wakes up to much.

After we eat we cuddle on the couch just talking about the days events. I tell him about how everything went with Mary Lou. What happened at the bonds office. I tell him about how I worry that I might have been a little hard on the girls at the office specially Lula but they need to get their own lives and stop gossiping about mine.

He told me he figured as much since when he stopped by there to drop off some paperwork that Lula wasn't quite herself. Like she was lost in thought. I can only hope that she did get my message clean and clear. I don't want to lose her friendship, we've been through so much together but I can't keep going on like we were.

I told him about the talk with Joe and how I think it really sunk home with him that we were through. How I saw his treatment towards me.

We talked a little bit longer. Then he said he better get going because it was late. I walked him to the door but before he could open it I stopped him. I didn't want him to go so I told him as much.

"I'll stay the night on one condition." He said.

"What?" I questioned him back a little leery of his answer.

"Tomorrow after all your stuff is packed away, you stay with me. Spend the night with me. I'll bring you to the airport the next morning for your flight."

That worked for me. I was a little worried about here exactly I would stay the following night after everything was moved out.

I eagerly agreed and we headed off to get ready for bed.

I fell asleep to the warmth of his arms wrapped protectively around me and his chest under my head. Listening to his heart's steady beat lulled me into the dreamland.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of his watch alarm. Still in the same position we fell asleep in. Him on his back, me tucked into his side with my head and hand resting on his chest.

He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss to the top of my head. Telling me he had to go.

I placed a kiss to his chest and reluctantly let him move from the bed. I grabbed his pillow and curled around it while watching him get dressed.

When he was ready to leave he came over to me and tucked the blankets around me to make sure I stayed nice and warm. He gave me a quick kiss and told me that a couple of his guys would be by later this afternoon to help pack and move everything out for me.

I nodded in the pillow to him. "Don't get shot."

He grinned back at me, gave me a quick kiss and said, "don't go crazy Babe."

Then he was gone. Batman strikes again.

I woke a couple hours later to a knocking on my door. I tossed on some clothes and went to go see who was interrupting my steamy dreams of a naked Ranger.

Looking through the peep hole on my door I saw it was Lula. I opened the door to her to see what she wanted.

"Girl, don't you have things you should be getting done seeing as how your up and leaving and stuff?"

She was trying to act upset but I could see it in her eyes that she was only teasing me. So I smiled to her and told her to come on in. I walked into the kitchen and started some coffee.

She was standing in the doorway to my kitchen holding a box out to me that I knew came from Tasty Pastry. "Peace offering?"

I gave her a warm smile and took the box from her. "Lula you don't need a peace offering but thank you. Come on lets eat these."

I brought them over to the table while she grabbed us each a cup of coffee. We sat down and dug into the donuts.

Lula had been relatively quiet since she got her and that's not normal Lula fashion so I asked her what was up.

"I want to apologize to you Steph. I never took a second to think about how my actions with the gossip and everything else might have made you feel. Your my best friend. You saved my life and I will forever owe you for that. I just..."

She stops for a minute to gather her thoughts before she continues.

"I just don't want you to leave here thinking that I don't care about you. You've shown me what a true friendship is supposed to be like and I didn't give it to you in return. You've given me kindness, love and support and all I did was keep going with the gossip like everyone else. Please forgive me?"

I give myself a moment to think about everything she just said. I can tell I'm taking to long to say anything back and that she's getting nervous that I won't accept her apology.

"Lula, it's alright. I accept your apology and I thank you for it. Remember in the future that your actions and words affect everyone around you. I will always be your friend and I promise you I will keep in touch. I won't let our friendship fade away. I may not be in this area physically but I will always be around if you need someone to talk to."

She gave me a big hug and I knew at that moment we would be alright. Our friendship is one like I have with Mary Lou. Nothing will get in the way.

Lula stuck around for a while longer and helped me to pack the stuff I would be taking with me. She didn't ask me again where I was going and I was thankful for that. I knew even if I did tell her she would keep it a secret but I think its just easier if she didn't know. I think she knew that too. Less temptation to have to live with.

A couple of Rangers guys that I had met before showed up a little while after Lula had left. We got everything packed up and moved out within a couple hours time. Its amazing what these guys could get done in short order.

I talked to Dillon my building supervisor and told him I was moving out. I was paid up through the end of the month and I wasn't tied into a rental agreement so he would just go ahead and line up new renters for the beginning of the month.

We had a sad goodbye but he wished me the best of luck and to get a hold of him the next time I was in town and we would catch up.

After talking to Dillon I walked back up to my apartment for one last look around. I was going to miss this place. I had a lot of good and bad memories in it but this was the right move for me. It was time to move on.

I packed my bags into my truck and looked at the time. It was just before 6pm. Time to head over to Haywood and meet up with Ranger. He said he would take care of dinner and to just head up to his apartment when I got there.

When I got to Rangers apartment I was shocked to see the changes that had been done. I knew he had something up his sleeve for tonight but I wasn't expecting this.

I've seen the many different sides of Ranger before but he had never brought out Romantic Ranger before.

The only lighting was a couple of floor lamps with scarves placed over the top to give a warm mellow lighting. There were a couple of vases filled with roses and a few other exotic flowers placed around the room. The table was set for two lit with a couple of candles. The fire place was lit with a small fire flickering in the darkened living room. I could hear music playing softly from his stereo.

Ranger was leaning against the corner of the hallway wearing a pair of tailored khaki colored slacks and a baby blue silk shirt. The top couple of buttons were undone showing off his gorgeous mocha toned neck and small section of his chest.

He walked over to me and led me into the dining room by my hand. I looked around the room again taking everything in. It was breath taking that's for sure. I looked at him with a questioning look.

"I wanted to do something nice for you on your last night here. Lets eat before it gets cold."

We sat down and ate the wonderful meal that I'm sure Ella made for us. It was my favorite, fettuccine alfredo with sausage and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I was truly shocked when I noticed Ranger was eating the same as me and told him so.

He gave a quick chuckle and said "tonight is about making memories."

With that we dug in. I moan my way through my meal. I just couldn't help it. Ella's cooking has always been so wonderful.

After we were done eating Ranger reached for my hand to help me from the table and brought me into the living room. I noticed the furniture had been moved around a bit to give more room in the middle.

"Dance with me Babe. We've never actually danced together before."

So we did and let me tell you. Ranger dances just like he does everything else in life. With perfection and grace. We danced for a couple of hours together. Just enjoying the feel of our bodies moving as a single being around the room. It will forever be in my memory as one of the best. Just like Ranger had promised, tonight was about making memories and that is something we most certainly did.

He carried me into his bedroom where we made love until exhaustion started to creep up on me.

When we were completely sated he tucked me into him. As I was falling asleep I whispered to him, "I love you Carlos."

I felt him kiss the back of my head and whisper into my hair, "I love you too Stephanie. Sleep mi amor."

Like all mornings, it came way to soon for my liking but I knew I had to get up and get moving. We didn't have much time this morning before I had to catch my flight.

On the way down from Rangers apartment we stopped on five. He told me the guys wanted to wish me off. When the door on the elevator opened up I was ripped from the elevator and passed around in giant bear hugs and each guy gave me farewell wishes and reminded not to be a stranger but to keep in touch.

The last merry man was the hardest for me. It was Lester. Over the years we had become good friends. He's different from them all. Loves to joke around and have fun. He actually talks more than one word at a time. Which I think is why we get along so well.

He picked me up and hugged me to him. Holding on tightly as if I was his last hope in the world. Before he put me down he leaned back a bit. "I'm going to miss you my sista from anotha mista" and then gave me a big sloppy kiss on the lips.

I laughed at him and slapped him playfully on the arm. "I'll miss you to my brotha from anotha motha."

I looked at the clock on the wall and noticed it was time to go. I gave all the guys one last finger wave bye and jumped back in the elevator.

We made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. Ranger somehow managed to walk to my boarding gate with me. He sat next to me holding my hand while we waited for the boarding call. When it was finally time to board the plane I didn't want to let go of his hand. I almost wished he could come with me but knew it wouldn't work out that way.

When my seat was called we got up and walked over to the line. He gave me a hug and kiss and told me to be safe and to call him when I got in. I promised him I would and I told him I loved him and to be safe himself.

He nodded to me, kissed me one last time and was gone. Once again Batman strikes. I think it was his way of making this easier on us both. Not having to watch me walk away.

_And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives_

_Where we're gonna be when we turn 25_

_I keep thinking times will never change_

_Keep on thinking things will be the same_

_But when we leave this year we won't be coming back_

_No more hanging out cause we're on a different track_

_And if you got something that you need to say_

_You better say it right now cause you don't have another day_

_Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down_

_These memories are playing like a film without sound_

_And I keep thinking of that night in June_

_I didn't know much of love _ _But it came too soon_

_And there was me and you_ _And then we got real blue_

_Stay at home talking on the telephone_

_And we would get so excited and we'd get so scared_

_Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair_

_And this is how it feels_

_As we go on_ _We remembered_

_All the times we_

_Had together_ _A_

_nd as our lives change_

_From whatever_

_We will still be_ _Friends forever_

_So if we get the big jobs_

_And we make the big money_

_When we look back now_

_Will our jokes still be funny?_

_Will we still remember everything we learned in school?_

_Still be trying to break every single rule_

_Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?_

_Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?_

_I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye_

_Keep on thinking it's a time to fly_

_And this how it feels_ _As we go on_

_We remembered_

_All the times we_

_Had together_

_And as our lives change_

_From whatever_

_We will still be_

_Friends forever_

_Will we think about tomorrow like we thinking about now?_

_Can we survive it out there?_

_Can we make it somehow?_

_I guess I thought that this would never end_

_And suddenly it's like we're women and men_

_Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?_

_Will these memories fad when I leave this town_ _I_

_ keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye_

_Keep on thinking it's a time to fly_

_(Friends Forever by Vitamin C)_


	7. I'm Alright

_~ Sorry for kind of getting lost for a few months. Hope this finds everyone who has enjoyed my story so far doing well. Life has been interesting thats saying the least. LoL I'm back at it now and hopefully will find the time and writing ability to keep going on my stories. _ _~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Remember its always nice to hear feed back. :)~_

I walked off my last plane in San Diego and noticed local time was only 1pm. I glance around looking for signs so to the exit. This place is huge and lots of people. I guess I kind of expected it though. This is California. There's bound to be people everywhere.

I follow the signs toward the luggage claim area. JJ said he would meet me there.

I was waiting at my luggage claim belt and all of a sudden I'm lifted into the air and spun around. I know it has to be JJ. I don't think I could ever forget the feel of him doing this too me. He used to sneak up on me so many times while in college and do just exactly this.

I could help the little squeal that came tumbling out of my mouth. I turned around to confirm that it was infact JJ. I jumped up into his arms again and wrap my legs around his waist while laughing harder than I have in years. It was so great to see him again.

After a few more turns around in a circle he put me back on my feet and held me at arms length looking me over.

"Baby girl, you are absolutely gorgeous! How is it that you're single? I don't understand this. Its like an act against nature, but hey I'm not going to complain. Just means I won't have some jealous guy after me for spending so much time in the near future with you."

I playfully slap him on the arm, "have you looked in the mirror lately there JJ? The Navy has definitely done wonders for your scrawny ass. If my heart wasn't spoken for I would be tripping all over myself at the sight of you."

When I had last seen JJ, he had been a little over 6 foot tall and maybe a buck fifty. Tall and scrawny barely any muscle to him. Shaggy hair in desperate need of a hair cut and clothes that were always either way to big or barely fit at all and had a few stains here or there. Now however. So not the case.

Still just over 6 foot tall but completely covered in muscles. He would give all the Merry Men a run for their money in that department. He has a dark tan that tells you that he likes spending time in the sun, probably down on the beach or out surfing. His dark hair is cut military short. Shaved on the back and sides with a small path down the top of his head. The green in his hazel eyes standing out strong showing just how happy he is to see me. I remember how I could always tell when he was happy. The green in his eyes would always stand out and his dimples in both cheeks would show as well. Yup those are in full force right now.

I gave him another quick glance over and realized he was picking me up in a suit. I wondered what that was all about so I asked.

"I just came from a meeting with my lawyer." He said with a grin and shrug.

"Everything alright?" I asked him.

He nods and replies, "everything is perfect. I have you here with me right now. God I've missed you so much. Was there anything you had wanted to do today other than get settled in?"

"Not that I can really think of. Just wanted to get here. See you again and kind of relax for the day."

"Sounds good. How about this. We'll grab your stuff, head off to get some food, go drop off your stuff, then go relax on the beach for a bit and catch up?"

It sounded perfect to me so I just smiled at him and nodded yes.

After grabbing my bags off the belt JJ looked down then up at me. "Is this all you brought with you?"

I looked over my bags again, "yup, two bags, guitar case, and my carry on. I figured anything else I could just get while out here."

He nodded to me grabbed my guitar case strap and tossed it over his shoulders then grabbed my two bags and headed for the doors. I sighed a bit and shook my head. Typical show off male.

He walked us through the parking garage and stopped at a light blue colored Hummer. Yup typical male, big flashy vehicle. The color however kind of threw me for a loop.

After we got my bags tucked away and we got into the Hummer I asked JJ about the color. Its not something I'm used to seeing big tough guys drive.

He shrugs his shoulders but replies with, "its my favorite color. Has been ever since college."

I nod in agreement remembering how in college he was slightly obsessed with the color of light blue. Would always say it surrounded him everywhere, his answer was always "how can you not love such a pure color. You can tell its a pure color because its all around us. The sky, rain drops, the ocean on a calm day, and best of all your eyes when your happy and content."

Our drive from the airport to JJ's house was short. I spent the whole 15 minutes just looking out the window watching everything we passed.

I tried to do as Ranger always told me too, be more aware of my surroundings. However, my reason for doing this probably isn't why he wanted me to. I was just trying to keep a memory of where things were should I need them. The small store at the end of the street, in case of an attack of the munchies. The small park just a block further than the store where I could go to get away and think in quiet. A small strip mall right off the major road before on the corner where we turned towards his house that held a few stores that I might need, one of them being a beauty salon. All of this within walking distance which will make things easier for me considering I don't think I'll need a car.

We pulled up in front of a gray brick house. It was bigger than all the other houses in the area with an attached garage.

JJ leads us into the house through the garage where I noticed a couple of Harley's parked off to one side. I can only hope that we'll be able to take them out for a joy ride sometime soon. Coming in from the garage we walk through a laundry room / mudd room and right into a beautiful kitchen. I may not know how to cook but I can appreciate a good looking kitchen.

The counter tops are all a black marble. The cabinets are a dark warm cherry color surrounding the stainless steel appliances.

On the other side of the dining area attached to the kitchen is a huge sliding glass wall that will open up the area to be an indoor / outdoor area.

I walk over to the window to take a peak at the back yard and can't help but be amazed by the beauty of the area. Taking up much of the fenced in back area is a large pool. The far side of the pool closest to the beach has an infinity edge on it. With the way the yard is sloped a bit it looks like the pool is just a small part of the ocean.

Being able to see, hear, and smell the ocean so close to me puts me at ease right away. A sense of peace washes over me and I know everything will be alright. This time will give me the space and calmness that I need to figure out where my life is to go.

JJ catches my attention so that he can show me where my room will be at. He points out what each room is to me. As we walk down a hallway towards where I'll staying he opens a door for me to look into and tells me that anything in the house I have full rein over except for this room. In it held all his work gear. Along the walls hung different items some I could pick out what they were and others I couldn't. There were dive suits and oxygen tanks, a large weapons safe, all kinds of tactical gear that you would see a swat member wearing. He told me that if there should ever been a time when he was in mortal danger then I could make use of the items in the room if I needed to but otherwise not to worry about it.

A little further down the hallway he opens up a door and shows me to my room. JJ sets my bags and guitar case on the floor next to the bed and tells me to wash up and meet him back in the dining room. He also tells me to bring the guitar with me when I come back out and then he leaves me alone.

The walls are painted a rich warm chocolate brown with cream colored base boards and crown molding. The ceiling has the tray effect with the cream color to show a the depth to it. The bed is dark cherry colored with a bed spread with both the cream and browns mixed in together.

The bed is sitting at an angle against one wall so that it faces a sliding glass door that leads out onto the back patio. Also giving a wonderful view on the pool and ocean.

I walk across the room to check out what I thought was just a closet but turned out to be a walk through closet into a bathroom. The bathroom is done up much like the bedroom only the colors are reversed. Mostly cream colored with brown accents throughout.

I check out the shower and can't help but remember the shower in Ranger's bathroom. The only difference really was the tile color. This one was done up in light sand stone tiles where as Rangers was a darker sand stone. Otherwise they were very much alike. Front and back shower heads as well as a rain style shower head above.

Realizing I wasted enough time checking everything out I quickly washed my face to freshen up a bit.

I found JJ sitting out on the patio with a beer in his hand. As I walked out the door he handed me one as well and asked what I thought about the place.

"I think I've died and gone to heaven! Your home is absolutely beautiful. Definitely not what I was expecting from a single guy that's for sure."

He just shrugged and continued to look out at the ocean, "when I'm home here I want to be able to relax and forget about the stress of the world for a bit."

We sat quietly next to each other for a while just enjoying the sun and sounds of everything going on around us. I've had a hard time over the last few years being able to just sit and be quiet. All of Rangeman can attest to that fact. But for some reason I didn't have a hard time today. Everything just felt right for some reason.

Just as I was starting to doze off I heard JJ speak.

"I wanted you to bring your guitar out here because the you I remember always had a hard time putting your feelings into words alone. You never had a hard time though speaking through a song. Think of something to play for me that sums up how your feeling right now. Where your at in your life."

I sat and thought for a few minutes thinking about what he said and realized he was right. Even now I have a hard time speaking about my like or dislikes. Speaking about myself really for that matter. I knew the song that was perfect for how my life was going and what I felt right at this moment.

I picked up my guitar and warned him that it was a country song. His reply was a simple shrug of his shoulder meaning he really didn't care.

_Well it's been a long time glad to see your face  
>I knew we'd meet again another time another place<br>Can't believe it's been so many years  
>You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers<br>Lookin' good in you three piece suit  
>You know, I always knew you'd take the business route<br>You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright_

_Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper_  
><em>I'm above the below and below the upper<em>  
><em>I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight<em>  
><em>But I guess I'm doin' alright<em>

_I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright_  
><em>It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright<em>  
><em>Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright<em>

_Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger_  
><em>They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger<em>  
><em>We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class<em>  
><em>Been on top of the world and knocked on our _<em>  
><em>We lost touch, we lost in love<em>  
><em>We lost our minds when things got tough, but<em>  
><em>Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright<em>

_I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright_  
><em>It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright<em>  
><em>Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>Well I guess I'm doin' alright<em>

_Well I hate to see this evening end_  
><em>God only knows when I'll see you again<em>  
><em>Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better<em>  
><em>Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family<em>  
><em>And tell them all my future's lookin' bright<em>  
><em>Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright<em>

_I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright_  
><em>It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright<em>  
><em>Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>Well I guess I'm doin' alright<em>  
><em>I'm doin' alright<em>

_(I'm alright by Jo Dee Messina)_


	8. Til I Collapse

_~Story based around a bunch of different songs. If you recognize the characters from the books. Well then their not mine but are instead JE's. A Few of my own characters thrown in the mix as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Remember its always nice to hear feed back. :)~_

The next morning found me awake bright and early. Surprisingly I was excited to be awake. I knew the day was going to be long and grueling.

Last night after I finished playing for JJ we sat and discussed what exactly I had in mind for while I was staying out here. We discussed what I would need to learn and master for the most part to be truly successful at my job.

He gave me a brief overview of what he felt would be the best training route to go. The most important to start with was to get me into shape. I really wasn't looking forward to exercising but knew it was a necessary evil that I had put off for far to long as it was.

JJ told me how he refused to take it easy just because it was me. He told me about some of the training he had gone in to do with new Seal recruits. He said the first week was going to be all about pushing my limits so that he had a clear view as to what they were. After that he would then set expectations to meet and that if I didn't meet them he would push me even harder until I did meet them.

JJ was very adamant that there were three words I was not allowed to say during training. Those words were no, can't, and won't. He told me about how when you reach a point of pure exhaustion, your attitude is what will get you through it. Use of those three words was the same as giving up and admitting that I just didn't want it bad enough.

We discussed a few of the other areas that I needed to learn about while eating a pizza for dinner. I was kind of surprised JJ ordered pizza for us considering I was about to be thrown into a rapid get Steph in shape phase. I had figured he would've started with some kind of health food diet or something.

"Enjoy this tonight and store it as a good memory because you won't be able to taste another pizza for awhile to come. Tonight is about relaxing and enjoying. The hard work begins tomorrow. I'm sure by the end of the week you'll be cussing me out worse than anyone else in your life."

The rest of the night we just sat around relaxing and chatting about the years that had passed us by.

By 9pm I knew I needed to call it an early night since tomorrow was going to start my training.

Before leaving the patio I hugged JJ and whispered a heartfelt thank you to him for helping me out.

"I'd do anything for you Baby Girl. Always have and always will. I've missed you, now go get some sleep." With that said he turned me and gently pushed me towards the house.

After crawling into bed, I grabbed my cell phone and called Ranger before going to sleep. I wanted to let him know that I did make it here alright and just to hear his voice before going to sleep.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself Batman. Hope I didn't wake you up."

"Even if you did wake me up Babe it wouldn't matter to me. I hope you know that by now."

"I know but it still matters to me. I just wanted to let you know I did make it here ok. JJ and I came up with a training plan. He said he's going to treat me just like some of the recruits he's trained before."

Ranger lets out a low whistle, "Well I wish you all the luck in your training Babe. If he's going to treat you like a recruit its going to be tough work that's for sure. I know you can do it though. Your tough and stubborn Babe. You'll get through it. I'm proud of you Steph, for taking the steps to do this."

"Can I ask you something Ranger?"

"Anything you want Babe. What is it?"

"When you tried to get me to exercise before, why didn't you push me like you know JJ will?"

After a short moment of silence Ranger finally replied, "because I knew you weren't ready to be pushed. Had I pushed you like that all it would have succeeded in doing is push you further away from me. Ultimately, that probably would have been the safest thing for you. To stay away from me because of the dangers of my life but your taking steps in the right direction. Proving to not only yourself but also everyone around that your ready to take on the responsibilities needed to live a dangerous life. I also couldn't handle the thought of you hating me even for a short period of time like your going to hate JJ come the end of the week. Don't get me wrong come the end of your time with him you'll feel extremely grateful towards him but there will be a period of time where you'll hate his guts."

I took a moment to think over what Ranger had just told me. I can't picture myself hating JJ at all but Ranger has never lied to me. If he said I was most likely going to feel that way then chances are that I would.

"Thank you Ranger." I whispered to him.

"For what Babe?"

I wasn't really sure how to put into words everything I was feeling at that moment. The love I held for this man, a man who knew what to say or do for me. I cleared my throat and attempted to try anyways.

"For... everything Ranger. For being who you are. You always seem to know what I need to hear, when I'm ready to hear it. Even if I don't like not hearing things right away. You still seem to just... know. So thank you."

"No price Babe. Ever. I love you Steph. Now get some sleep your going to need it."

Before I could reply back to him I heard the click signaling he had hung up.

I shake my head slightly to get out of my thoughts and get moving. I don't want to get on JJ's bad side already before even starting.

After getting dressed I head towards the kitchen knowing that JJ was already up and moving around. Just as I start down the hallway I hear JJ yell, "Plum get your ass moving! Your wasting my time!"

As I round the corner into the kitchen I stop dead in my tracks. Standing there in front of me is JJ in a pair of sweat pants and running shoes and that's it. I knew he had to be toned to be a Seal but damn! The man's body is pure perfection. The sculpted muscles on every inch of his torso would give Batman a run for his money. I think I might have drooled a little bit before JJ snapped me to attention.

"This will be your breakfast every morning for the next 8 weeks. Take the vitamin with half the bottle of water. Drink the shake and then finish off the bottle of water."

Sure enough on the counter top was a vitamin tablet, a 20 oz bottle of water and a large cup. I must have wrinkled up my nose at the shake because JJ snapped out at me, "grow a set Plum. Its not going to bite you. You might just like it and if you don't you'll learn to like it. You've got 2 minutes to down it all."

With that he walked out of the room.

I slowly walked over to the offending shake and sniffed it. I've never liked the healthy style shakes which if JJ is making me have one every morning for the next 8 weeks I'm positive it has to be completely healthy.

It didn't smell bad. Had a very slight strawberry scent to it. I put it back down and grabbed the vitamin and bottle of water. After having downed half the bottle like I was told I picked the shake back up. Taking a small sip at first to tell exactly how horrible it was going to be, I was rather surprised when the only thing I could taste was strawberry. It tasted just like a fruit smoothie you could get from the gas station.

Just as I finished up, JJ walked back in and told me my time was up. As we went out the front door he told me the plan. First we were going to start with stretching out and then would go for a 6 mile run.

Before I had a chance to groan at the whole running 6 miles he told me that it would be different than running 6 miles straight. About every half mile we would swap between running and walking. At the end of each run section we would drop and do 20 sit ups and push ups then get up and walk half a mile before running again.

While we were stretching out I asked why we weren't running on the beach since it was right here.

"I'm going to push your limits but I won't set you up to fail. Your simply no where near ready to be able to do it in the sand."

With that said we were off. At the halfway point JJ turned us around so that we were heading back the way we came. I was feeling great. I was able to keep up with the pace he had set and thought to myself this wasn't going to be nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be

Boy was I WRONG! By the time we stopped to do our pushups and situps at the 4 mile mark I could barely move. Everything in my body was on fire. I didn't want to disappoint JJ but I wasn't sure I could make it the rest of the way.

"Come on Plum! Get out of your head and do it! You can do this! You will do this! Fight for it!"

Something in that statement clicked and I was able to push through the pain I felt. Each time we stopped I struggled a little bit more but JJ was right next to me yelling "You can! You will! You must!"

When we finally made it back to JJ's front yard I collapsed. I couldn't move anything. I hurt, I was tired, heck forget tired I was completely exhausted. JJ walked into the house and came back with a bottle water. Telling me to drink half the bottle and only half. Any more and I would throw it back up. He said if I made a mess in his yard he was going to make me clean it up.

After I finished half the bottle went went through stretching out again.

As we were walking back into the house, I was told to go take a shower to cool off some and that there were camo's and tank tops in my closet to dress in.

After my glorious shower, I found JJ on the patio drinking a bottle of water. As I approached him he stood up handing me a bottle as well. He lead us around the pool and towards the back fence.

Sitting next to the 4 ft chain link fence was a stack of sand bags. I was wondering what we might be doing next when JJ spoke up making me groan at what he was telling me.

"There are 25 sand bags here. Each one weighs about 30 lbs. What your going to do now is take each one and toss it over to the other side of the fence. Once all of them are over your going to hop over the fence and take each one down to the waters edge where you'll then stack them. I want them stacked so that a person could sit or lay behind them and not get wet by the waves coming in."

I started to ask why I was doing this but JJ cut me off.

"You don't get to ask questions. Just do as I tell you. Now move your ass Plum. We get lunch after your done and I'm hungry."

The first couple of bags had me thinking that it wasn't so bad. I should have known better just like with the run earlier. By the time I had the last bag over the fence I was trying to figure out how exactly I was going to get myself up and over the fence. Four feet isn't all the high but after lifting all those bags over it my arms were about ready to fall off.

As I was standing at the fence trying to figure it out, JJ offered a helpful tip. "When one body part is on fire and in pain, use a different part to compensate for the weaken state of the first one. Use your legs for most of the work and arms to simply help steady your body as you go over."

I did just as he told me to do and had no problem getting over the fence.

After struggling to get all the bags down to the water and stacked, I had figured the best way to stack them as he wanted was to make a U shape with them.

I had just sat down behind the bags to rest for a moment when JJ walked up. He stood and watched the waves come in and break around the bags but none of the water was coming in to where I was sitting.

He nodded his head once in acceptance and said it was chow time.

Lunch consisted of chicken, steamed veggies, and a small bowl of fruit. We ate in complete silence. For me I was just too tired to even talk. All I wanted to do was eat and sleep but I knew sleep was along time away.

After cleaning up from lunch JJ brought out a couple different hand guns.

"Next week we'll work on your shooting but for this week, I'm going to teach you about them. How they work, how they break down, how to clean them, and then how they go back together."

That's what we did over the course of the afternoon. There were 4 different guns placed in front of me. JJ went through and broke each one down fast and then put it back together just as fast. He told me to think of it as a puzzle. Which they really were for me. I never liked guns. I'm not sure that I ever will like them.

Before I knew it, the afternoon had passed by and it was time for dinner. JJ had grilled us some steak and veggies on kabob sticks. We chatted about the guns while eating.

After we were done cleaning up, JJ told me that before I could go to bed for the night I had to bring all the sand bags back up and put them where they had started out.

I groaned at the thought of moving all of those again but got to it. I pushed through because I knew on the other side was the ability to finally go to sleep.

When I placed the last sand bag on the stack I briefly thought about just falling asleep right there on the stack but figured the bed would feel better. Dragging myself through the house towards a quick shower I passed JJ. He said good night to me. I'm not sure if I said it back or not.

I'm not exactly sure what I did between that point and when my body hit the bed. I'm pretty sure though that I was fast asleep before I even hit the pillow.

I briefly recall hearing JJ's voice next to my head saying "I'm proud of you Baby Girl. You made it through the day and didn't give up even when you wanted to." I swear I felt him press a soft kiss on my forehead but I can't be sure. Hell, I'm so exhausted it might all be just a dream. Who knows at this point and who really cares. The only thing I can care about at this point is sleep. That's exactly what I did. I slept and slept hard!

_'Cause sometimes you just feel tired,  
>Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.<br>But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength  
>And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up<br>And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse._

_Yo left, yo left, yo left right left_  
><em>Yo left, yo left, yo left right left<em>  
><em>Yo left, yo left, yo left right left<em>  
><em>Yo left, yo left, yo left right left<em>

_Till I collapse I'm spilling these raps long as you feel 'em_  
><em>Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them<em>  
><em>'Cause when I am not then I'ma stop penning 'em<em>  
><em>And I am not hip-hop and I'm just not Eminem.<em>  
><em>Subliminal thoughts when I'm stop sending them women are caught in webs spin and hauk venom<em>  
><em>Adrenaline shots of penicillin could not get the illing to stop.<em>  
><em>Amoxacilin is just not real enough.<em>  
><em>The criminal cop killing hip-hop filling minimal swap to cop millions of Pac listeners.<em>  
><em>Your coming with me, feel it or not you're gonna fear it like I showed you the spirit of god lives in us.<em>  
><em>You hear it a lot, lyrics the shock is it a miracle or am I just a product of pop fizzing up.<em>  
><em>For shizzle my whizzle this is the plot listen up you bizzles forgot slizzle does not give a fuck.<em>

_Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out_  
><em>Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth.<em>  
><em>Till the smoke clears out - am I high? Perhaps<em>  
><em>I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.<em>  
><em>Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out<em>  
><em>Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth.<em>  
><em>Till the smoke clears out and my high burn out<em>  
><em>I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.<em>

_Music is like magic there's a certain feeling you get when you're real_  
><em>And you spit and people are feeling your shit.<em>  
><em>This is your moment and every single minute you spend trying to hold onto it<em>  
><em>'cause you may never get it again.<em>  
><em>So while you're in it try to get as much shit as you can<em>  
><em>And when your run is over just admit when it's at its end.<em>  
><em>'Cause I'm at the end of my wits with half this shit that gets in.<em>  
><em>I got a list here's the order of my list that it's in.<em>  
><em>It goes, Reggie, Jay-Z, Tupac and Biggie, Andre from OutKast, Jada, Kurupt, Nas and then me.<em>  
><em>But in this industry I'm the cause of a lot of envy, so when I'm not put on this list the shit does not offend me.<em>  
><em>That's why you see me walk around like nothing's bothering me.<em>  
><em>Even though half you people got a fucking problem with me.<em>  
><em>You hate it but you know respect you've got to give me<em>  
><em>The press's wet dream like Bobby and Whitney. Nate hit me.<em>

_Soon as a verse starts I eat it at MC's heart_  
><em>What is he thinking? How not to go against me? Smart.<em>  
><em>And it's absurd how people hang on every word.<em>  
><em>I'll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve<em>  
><em>But I'll never be served my spot is forever reserved<em>  
><em>If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.<em>  
><em>'Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.<em>  
><em>That's why I'm clever when I put together every verse<em>  
><em>My thoughts are sporadic, I act like I'm an addict<em>  
><em>I rap like I'm addicted to smack like I'm Kim Mathers.<em>  
><em>But I don't want to go forth and back in constant battles<em>  
><em>The fact is I would rather sit back and bomb some rappers.<em>  
><em>So this is like a full blown attack I'm launching at them<em>  
><em>The track is on some battling raps who want some static<em>  
><em>'Cause I don't really think that the fact that I'm Slim matters<em>  
><em>A plaque of platinum status is whack if I'm not the baddest.<em>

_Until the roof_  
><em>The roof comes off<em>  
><em>Until my legs<em>  
><em>Give out from underneath me<em>

_I will not fall,_  
><em>I will stand tall,<em>  
><em>Feels like no one could beat me.<em>

_( 'Til I Collapse by Eminem)_


End file.
